The attempted gaslighting of Clarke Griffin

There’s been a lot of talk since the beginning of season 3 about the nature of the relationship between Clarke and Lexa. In particular, there’s been some fierce debate over whether or not their relationship can be described as abusive. From my perspective, there have been a number of incidents so far that have shown how unbalanced and dangerous this relationship is for Clarke (rashaka has written a great summary here).
However, IMO, the opening scene of last week’s episode (3 x 03) has moved the disturbing aspects of Clarke and Lexa’s relationship to a whole new level, since it showed how truly abusive and insidious Lexa can be. At first, I simply found it disturbing, but it was my partner (a trained psychotherapist) who pointed out exactly what was going on in that scene. Consider this:
Gaslighting or gas-lighting is a form of mental abuse in which information is twisted or spun, selectively omitted to favor the abuser, or false information is presented with the intent of making victims doubt their own memory, perception, and sanity. (Wikipedia)
Basically, Lexa attempts to “gaslight” Clarke throughout the conversation, by manipulating her memory, perception, and sanity regarding the events at Mt. Weather and her reaction to them. Lexa’s overall aim is to convince Clarke that she would and has acted in the exact same way and, therefore, her anger and hatred towards Lexa is irrational.
Let’s take a look, starting with Clarke’s reaction when Lexa tells her she will be returned to her people.
This is an absolute classic abuse technique. Clarke has been “captured,” dragged to Polis against her will, and beaten and brutalized as a direct result of Lexa’s orders. But here, Lexa basically tells Clarke that all of the abuse she has suffered was for her own good, and it is actually a sign of how much Lexa cares for her.
Information is being twisted to make Clarke doubt her perception.
To all those who say this isn’t abuse, I say: If Clarke wanted to be saved by Lexa, she would have gone to Polis herself. Lexa knew that, and her disregard for Clarke’s wishes simply equates to more abuse.
Next up:
Here, Lexa works on two levels. First, she very subtly shifts the responsibility for everything that happened at Mt. Weather onto Clarke’s shoulders. Second, she points out that Clarke was very capable of handling the situation on her own. As a retort, this works to absolve Lexa of abandoning Clarke in the first place. Of course, there is no logic to Lexa’s response. The conclusion (Lexa is not at fault) isn’t logically supported by the evidence (Clarke handled the situation anyway, despite being abandoned).
Again, information is being twisted to make Clarke doubt her perception.
Some people might argue that Lexa has given Clarke a compliment here, but her next statement confirms it was intended as a barb. Lexa definitely knows that Clarke feels guilt rather than pride over her actions at Mt. Weather.
This little speech is a very direct attack on both Clarke’s perception and her sanity.
First, Lexa sets herself up as an authority. She is the calm, cool-headed observer. She knows Clarke better than Clarke knows herself. She makes Clarke doubt her sanity by stating that she is “haunted” and that there is a very real chance that she might “hate herself,” which obviously isn’t a good state of mental health. Lexa is assuming all of the power here, by presenting herself as the rational, blameless one in the relationship, who is being victimized by Clarke’s damaged mind. (A side note on the excellent acting here: Eliza Taylor’s movements are jerky and slightly erratic, reflecting her agitated mental state. Alycia Debnam Carey is rigid and poised. Both sets of body language mirror the undercurrents of the dialogue.)
The next part of the conversation is where the ongoing attempts at gaslighting move to a whole other level. Skipping forward a bit…
Here, Lexa suggests that Clarke’s actions, which were a direct result of Lexa’s abusive behaviour in the relationship, are somehow on a par with Lexa’s abuse itself. Lexa is essentially trying to drag Clarke down to her own level in Clarke’s esteem, that is, to change Clarke’s perception and memory so that both Lexa and Clarke’s actions are perceived and remembered in the same light. It’s an interesting but risky tactic relationship-wise: Destroy your target’s self-esteem enough that they eventually cannot hate you without hating themselves. Then, they will either go mad with self-loathing or eventually learn to forgive themselves, and you by association. This tactic, of course, mirrors Lexa’s line about self-loathing earlier in the scene.
Everything about the dialogue in this gif. just screams gaslighting, as Lexa:
twists information - Clarke’s decision to push the lever was not a calculated decision to betray anyone;
selectively omits information - Clarke’s main motivation was to save her friends, not kill them. She had a better plan, but it was ruined by Lexa’s betrayal;
and presents false information - Clarke did not intentionally betray anyone.
This is all in an attempt to make Clarke doubt her original perception and memory of events.
Then, we get to the last part of the argument:
Unsurprisingly, Clarke’s initial response to Lexa’s comment suggests that the gaslighting tactic is working: “Those deaths are on you too.” Here, Clarke accepts responsibility for the deaths of the people she is accused of betraying (unlike Lexa). It seems that Lexa’s attempts to place herself and Clarke on the same footing in Clarke’s mind are making headway. Remember, her arguments so far have been: you hate me rather than hating yourself, you would have done the same thing, you also betrayed your friends, etc.
But then, Clarke suddenly shrugs off Lexa’s attempts at manipulation. She rejects all of Lexa’s attempts to cast Clarke as the damaged one in the relationship; the person with the flawed perception, memory, and sanity. She refutes all of Lexa’s attempts to convince her of the similarity between them, with the brilliant line:
“You have no honour and I had no choice.”
Here, Clarke makes a very clear distinction between herself and Lexa, comparing her sense of morality and honour to Lexa’s willingness to betray.
The attempt at gaslighting has failed, and Lexa hurriedly retreats.
There isn’t really anything left to say here, and I find it extremely difficult to believe that this scene was written without this sort of abusive behaviour in mind. The writer had multiple options to chose from, but she seems to have had Lexa employ an insidious and dangerous abusive technique as a weapon against Clarke. (Of course, I have no idea what Ms Shumway originally intended; this post describes my perception of the scene only.)
Clearly, Lexa’s strategy and actions throughout this conversation fit the description of gaslighting perfectly. I suppose it’s not surprising that, although Lexa’s tactics didn’t work on Clarke, they do seem to have worked on part of the audience. Since this apparently needs pointing out, people in healthy relationships do not attempt to gaslight each other. Lexa is prepared to damage Clarke’s mental health and happiness in order to avoid an admission of guilt and gain forgiveness: this very disturbing behaviour that does not bode well for their relationship.
(Btw, if anyone’s interesting in the traits of abusive relationships, there’s a great list here. It’s very helpful to check it when a fictional (or real) relationship is unsettling you, but you start questioning your own perceptions instead of trusting your instinct.)